Ian Thomson

A collection of the best ever, top-quality, ROFL investor/investing jokes ever …

• The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.
• What’s the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.
• My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it’s his!
• A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
• A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it’s all gone!
• It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.
• A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today!
• Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
• Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower
• Q: Why did God create stock analysts? A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
• There was a tremendous turnaround in the market today. A stock brocker who jumped out of a window on the twelfth floor, saw a computer screen on the seventh floor and did a U-turn.
• You know you’ve gone to the wrong stockbroker when you ask him to buy 1,000 shares in IBM and he asks you how to spell it.
• The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.
• How do you find a good small-cap fund manager?  Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait
• The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car’s been repossessed.
• The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.

OK …. yes, I admit it …. I lied!

I hope at least one or two made you smile.

For the moment I am protecting my source …. but if there are enough complaints about the quality of the jokes then I will go public.